Jabberwocky -Lewis Carroll

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.
 

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"
 

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.
 

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'

He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Chicago- Roxie Hart

Roxie: (speaking to Mama) I always wanted to have my name in all the papers. Before I met Amos I use to date this well-to-do ugly bootlegger. He used to like to take me out and show me off. Ugly guys like to do that. Once it said in the paper, "Gangland's Al Capelli seen at Chez Vito with cute blond chorus girl." That was me. I clipped it and saved it. You know, all my life I wanted to have my own act. But noooo, no, no, no, it's always no, they always turned me down. One big world full of no! And then Amos came along. Safe, sweet Amos. Who never says no. Ohh. (coy giggles) I’ve never done this before, but you know, it is such a special night and you are such a great audience! (applause from Roxie's "audience") And, and, I just really feel like I can talk to you, you know? So forget what you've read in the papers, and forget what you’ve heard on the radio because, because, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. (giggles) Not that the truth really matters, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. In the love department, Amos was......zero. ( imitating Amos) "I love ya, honey, I love ya!" Anyway, I started fooling around...and then I started screwing around, which is fooling around without dinner. Then I met Fred Casley, who said he could get me into vaudeville, but that didn't quite work out like I planned. I guess it didn't really work out too great for Fred either. So I gave up with the whole vaudeville idea, 'cause you gotta figure after all those years -- opportunities just pass you by. (sings) But it ain't, oh no no no no, but it ain't. (speaking again) And now, if this Flynn guy gets me off, with all this publicity, I got me a world full of YES!

CHARGE -Eric Kaiser

MARTHA: In the beginning, I am mean and greedy and selfish. This is symbolized by three things, A: There is a half-finished sculpture of an angel in my garage. B: There is a hungry little boy that sleeps on my doorstep every night that I call the police on. And C: I have a dying father that I haven't talked to in years. Then one day I see the error of my ways. I don't know how, I don't know. But I see it. Then: [Pause, a little smile.] The song comes on. And in the three minute duration of this song. I make all of the changes I need to in my life. They are symbolized by A: I finish the angel sculpture in my garage, and incidentally it is a masterpiece. B: I feed the little hungry boy on my porch, I bring him in the home and incidentally he becomes a senator and loves me. And finally C: I call my Father and tears stream from our eyes as we tell each other we love one another, and incidentally moments later he dies. But I tell him in time. And then moments later all is right in the world and this is symbolized by an ambient, light that my soul generates. [She is choked up.] Excuse me. Excuse me. It's just so dramatic. I do all that in the duration of a three minute song. It frustrates me so that I can't change like that. It is amazing how the people whose stories are told by movies, during the duration of one song, can switch their whole life around. I want a dramatic life like that.



MARTHA: There was a woman. A single mother living in this terrible, or terribly excitingly terrible place called the hood, it is full of a naughty little substance called crack, and has people driving small van like cars then shooting people from them, it's a terribly excitingly terrible place. Anyway a lady named…well they all called her Sista!! Sista? Isn't that charming? Well she had a son that everyone called Brutha', Now I have not yet determined if indeed they are biological brothers and sisters. But I don't think so because Brutha called Sista…Mutha. Now Brutha also had a Brutha that was called Brutha's Brutha, and Sista was also his Mutha. So we have Brutha, Brutha's Brutha and Sista which is their Mutha. Understand? Well Brutha was a hard one, and Brutha's Brutha was a soft one. Brutha was in a sordid little group called a gang. And Brutha's Brutha was in a safe little group called a chess club. While Brutha would drive around in little cars and Scream "I'm gonna blow your head of You dead Fucker." Brutha's Brutha would sit and say "Checkmate." They both shared a common goal though. And that was "GETTING OUT." One wanted to shoot his way out and the other wanted think his way out. [Pause.] Getting out huh? Do you understand that? Wanting to break free from all that you are bound too? I wish we could break out. Can we break out?

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The Best Monologue I Have Ever Done. Grade 12ish.

ELISE:

Anna, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday.  Oh my God, I was on a date with Fred, YEAH, the guy I told you about.  No, not that one, FRED, the football player from Queens.  Mmmm Hmmm, HIM!

He finally took me out last night and I was soooo nervous.  I mean, this guy is hot!  I was a complete air head over the whole thing, what should I wear, how much make up should I apply to my face, should I wear a push up bra or stuff the bra? ISSUES!  Anyway, we went out and the worst thing in the world happened to me.  No, I didn’t run into any ex-boyfriends.  No, I didn’t say something stupid.  No, I didn’t do something clumsy.  WORSE!  WORSE!  WORSE!  You will never guess!  Ready?!

(beat)

I shit my pants.  I know, I know, I know….please, God almighty.  I was there, it happened to meeeeee!  I was so nervous that when he came to pick me up, I felt bloated.  I was so busy getting ready all day, that I didn’t have time to eat, so all I had in me was nothing but AIR.  Oh my God, I shit my draws Anna!

We were taking a nice stroll through the park and I had to let out a little bit of gas.  I was holding back a fart for hours.  So, I thought it would give me some relief to just, you know, let out a little pffff.  But it wasn’t no pffff Anna.  It was more like a sssssplishggg!  And then there’s that moment.  The moment when you know something doesn’t feel right and you’re not sure if it’s true.  You’re not sure if you really shit yourself or not.  And I’m DYING on the inside.  I kept praying to God.  I was like, “Did I shart?!  Did I just shart myself?!”

(beat)

I CERTAINLY DID ANNA!  I sharted all inside my undies, and I was wearing the sexiest thong in the world but you know thongs, obviously, it’s not a shitting on kind of fabric.  So there I am, walking with the hottest football player from Queens, clenching my butt cheeks until they were turning blue, so cocky wouldn’t drip down my leg!

Oh God Anna, this had to be the worst experience of my life…What did I do?!  I started acting.  I never knew I had it in me.  I started freaking out.  I acted like I was petrified of squirrels!  I know, I know I must have sounded like a demented fool but it was the only thing I could think of.  What the hell would you have said?  I started dancing around him claiming to be afraid of squirrels.  I made up this whole story.  I told him how I was attacked by squirrels as a child, while playing in the woods and that I had a phobia.

He believed me and do you know what he did?!  You will never believe this Anna!  He picks me up from the ground and tells me he wanted to be my hero and that he would protect me and then we locked eyes but it wasn’t because we were in a passionate trance.  We locked eyes…because we both smelt shit!

And he said, oh, you poor thing, you poor, poor thing, you made a poopy?  And I just about given up on life right there at that moment in time.  I said, you know what, screw it, I looked at him and said, “Listen Fred, I crapped my pants okay?  I crapped my freaking pants because of the damn squirrels!”

And that was that.  That was my date with the hottest football player from Queens.  He did call me, but it was more of a courtesy call than a, “I want to see you again” call.  I could hear his friends in the background making fart noises and moans.

What more can I possibly say?  Next time I go out with a hot guy, I’m going to eat like a slob before hand.  Lesson learned.  Amen!

Cruella De Vil

Cruella De Vil: You beasts! But I'm not beaten yet. You've won the battle, but I'm about to win the wardrobe. My spotty puppy coat is in plain sight and leaving tracks. In a moment I'll have what I came for, while all of you will end up as sausage meat, alone on some sad, plastic plate. Dead and medium red. No friends, no family, no pulse. Just slapped between two buns, smothered in onions, with fries on the side. Cruella De Vil has the last laugh!